3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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