he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
