I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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