i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
