My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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