Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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