Cold hands, warm shart.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
