Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she peed on how many people?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
