just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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