I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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