I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
