I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
