Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
