Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
