Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
