I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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