This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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