I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
