I should be sponsored by Trojan
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this boner is exhausting
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
