So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
