it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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