I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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