the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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