I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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