I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He felt like a one man threesome
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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