i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
