Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
