Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
did you just send me my own nude
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
