Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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