I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
