does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
