i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
