flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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