Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
