Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
