so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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