Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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