Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
