Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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