I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
