I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
