just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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