Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
