people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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