Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
