I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
