Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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