the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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