I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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