Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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