M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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