You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
